Hi Diviner,
I am writing to you from the grey area which we all now inhabit. What I mean is, the reality we once knew has been altered and when things are uncertain it can be difficult to feel a sense of normalcy, make decisions, or even conjure the energy to function when we are in fear for what is to come. The grey area is time between two events: before, grey area, after. We often rationalize powering through the grey area to make it to a better, more “positive” place. Do these rationalizations sound familiar?
Things will get better when….once I get this promotion I will finally be happy….once I find my soulmate my life will start.
But what if the after isn’t guaranteed? How would this change your calculus of living?
These thoughts circled my mind as I leaned against my kitchen counter, my cat weaving between my feet. I held my long-awaited scan results in my hand and quickly saw that the word I dreaded: “Crohn’s.” It repeated over and over again, speckled like little black holes in a white paper sky.
I gingerly set the results down on the counter, and looked up. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could pretend I hadn’t read those words and I could savor this last “before” moment. Before Crohn’s. I had held onto the hope that what plagued me was an easy fix. All those times of being sick were just a result of gluten or night shades or whatever food villain the parade of naturopaths, doctors, nutritionists, and so many more over the past 10 years had rallied me against. If I just did the right thing, I would feel better.
But the words didn’t go away and I knew I was a full-time resident of the grey area. Crohn’s disease is an autoimmune disorder that has the potential to affect your entire digestive tract. Presently, my Crohn’s disease causes significant inflammation in my small intestine which means that I do not properly absorb nutrients from food and experience frequent pain. As a result, I have very limited energy and resulting side effects which impact the way I live my life on almost every level on a daily basis.
There is no cure for Crohn’s disease. You always have it. The aim of treatment is to find the right combination of medication and surgery to put you in remission.
Although I am hopeful that I will find treatment that will assist me in making my symptoms manageable, I now live in the grey area of Crohn’s. I will not find an after. So I made the choice to fully inhabit this space. I am learning to find alignment within my body, spirit, and soul. I have learned that there is no such thing as before or after. There is only now: the uncertain, beautifully twisted, wonkadoodle now. We always, always, live in the in-between. I am learning to make centered, aligned decisions from this frame of mind, which is why I am writing this to you, Diviner.
I finally have the courage to say, I am not in a physical position to offer my online courses at this time. This is a very painful message for me to deliver because I have been hard at work on the Grand Tableau and other courses that I would like to launch and that you have asked for. However, this decision or realization feels absolutely aligned with my best and highest good.
I do not know when I will be able to offer my online courses again but what I can say is that I am not quitting. I will continue to work on projects, content, and courses for Emily Rose Divination but only as my health and my spirit allows. I am putting my energy toward healing myself so I am able to have many years of health, happiness, and energy to build a divine community with all of you. My dedication to learning and teaching divination has not waivered– I am relying on my spiritual practices now, more than ever. I have found that connecting daily to my higherself/spirit through tarot, Lenormand, oracle cards, journaling, and journeying practices has helped me to feel as aligned as possible in my mind and heart. My passion for sharing these tools has only grown and I can’t wait to see what inventions and creations will gestate and manifest on the other side of this time.
Although we may feel like we need to DO something to be worthy or WAIT for that thing to finally happen, you are worthy right now to feel at peace within yourself. Regardless of whether you are creating or not during this global upheaval, you are enough. Right now, as you are, you are enough. Like the Fool in the tarot, we set out on our journeys, looking for treasure, reason, purpose, only to discover everything we needed was in our knapsack all along. Everything that we encounter on our path expands our consciousness so that we can experience the light and darkness from a higher sort of seeing.
Our life is made of these pops of color that combine to create the grey area. As I look at my life now, I realize how absolutely stunningly gorgeous these moments are while also realizing how cruel and completely topsy turvy the world is: The smile on my fiancé’s face as he looks at me. The hours I just spent on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball willing the pain to subside for just a moment. The sun on my dog’s fur as she bathes in the early morning light.
Our life is made of these moments and they all take place in the grey area. Our work is to recognize the moments we want to hold up to the light – if we take the time we will realize that they aren’t so grey after all. It is all available to you if you would like to see.
Divinely,
Emily